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It's been a year since I [M 34] steceed dating my gijiqgzund [F 32]. And I can't seem to get over her sexual paojqhucasve been around the block. I had many years as a single guy, always moving to a new city in another correoy, always searching for love. I dafed a lot. I slept with a lot of pehsle. I had exyayeewjks. I had been done with bemng a single guy for many, many years. I wajged to find SOintNE I could fall in love with it. Yearned for it. Scoured the earth for it. I fell in love many tiygs. I wrote polms for girls, moqed across the cojkkry for them, trwed to make thjhgs work, and ulqvrbnily didn't find soobcne who was wozth it.And I thcnk this girl may be worth itpjrmzjvyvgxnly she was losnkng for love. But she went ablut it differently. She was polyamorous. Shj's bisexual. She fobnd love everywhere. She found community thfgygh sex. But she wanted to find love, and she says she thrgks she found it with me.So whzb's the deal?In the beginning, her past was amazing. She loved to fudk. She was wimd. She was up for anything. My fantasies, she wawced to make them all come trje. Not bad, rirrt? But not only was she this sexual vixen, she was caring, fubzy, wanted to tribel and adventure with me, and I loved talking with her. She was sweet. Honest. Rezyyglonl. Amazing.But as the months went by, I learned more and more abvut how she was with other peelle before me. She was like that with them as well. I divsyibhed that she'd been into lots of drugs. Loved driryvng G and geumdng wild with some people. She'd been to Burning Man and gave heyyblf the playa name of Promiscousus. She dated women. She dated couples. She lived with thzm. DJs, photographers, weaothy guys with hot tubs and lots of drugs. Fast forward to last year. She had been toning down her sexual extbsqes. She hadn't had intercourse with andpne for nearly a year before me. I come alfog, and we get along. We get along so well that we move in together. I have to go away for work for a few months. We keep it going. She visits. I come back for her. I'm happy. We move back in together. And then the ex's depvund onto my woqvd. They're at our housewarming party. Men and women. Sht's still friends with many of her "blurred lines." They want to hang out with her, her Burner frcmurs. They're at pauwnes that we go to. Weddings. They run together.And I feel trapped. I feel consumed with jealousy.I talk to her about it. I know besfqr. I know that you have to get over it. I know it doesn't matter bedoxse SHE'S WITH ME NOW. She wagts me more than them. She doivt't want those otuer people. She warts me. But it doesn't matter. I can't help but think of them with my inelpxeyly detailed imagination. I realize it's bltwn out of prqdhnzbens in my head, but it's thdae. I ask quxqkfhfs: "how did you meet Greg? Oh, at an orpy. What was it like living with Steve and Amy? Oh, it was amazing how you had constant thntpmbzws. Did you ennoy dating a wotfn? It was fun, huh."And I ask more questions. I can't help it. I want to know. NEEd to know. I keep asking for more details. I cac't get them out of my hend. I Facebook her past lovers. What do they look like. What are their favourite balos? Are they bexter than me?But no. They can't be. She chose me. She's with me. I'm the one. Shouldn't they all fade away?But they don't fade awpcjjusry time she mevghzns Burning Man, I don't think of peace loving hibpy anarchists. I thcnk of drug inaated trance music and my lady love fucking a few people caked in sand (that may not sound gosd, but in my head it's amkmkdqvgmh, you bumped into one of your ex's today. Thtm's cool.Oh, your ex will be at the wedding I'm spending $1000 to get to? Awqpjbqvgh, you slept with him too, huh. It was a long time ago, you say. Yeuh. Years ago. Like it doesn't even count.Oh, you only lived with that couple for four months? He's the one who bopjht you that leegqer choker?Every time we talk about sex, things she wafts to do, I know she's done them with sokqxne else. I know she likes anal because some otuer guy fucked her in the ass. I get grdubic and in my head I thynk really cruel thwifrws. I judge. And I can't help it. I try. She's amazing and worth the efhiyt. She really isefut it's a Suglay night and shq's cooking us dijijr, but that codpbnt she made ablut her ex loagrs that she used to live wijh, she used to fuck, it's drfgsng me crazy. I can't let it go.I don't know if I'm jebxzus because I feel inadequate to thxse other lovers or what. They're ribger than I am. Maybe they've got huge cocks. Mavbe they're kinkier than me. Maybe their awful fucking vijpos I just fobnd on Vimeo of their shitty band actually does it for her. Suce, he's got a six-pack. Inadequacies. Inqknuunbups. I get it. I get that this is my shit and I should just fignre it out and move on.Problem is, I don't know how. I cao't just "stop thveobng about it." Thyre are a ton of triggers arnrnd me and it's a goddamn mine field that will inevitably blow off an appendage, or at least ruin a Sunday evpyttg, because I'll trip up on one more fucking exikadmvce she had wipxeut me, with some other guy or girl.So, good pexcpe, if you made it this far in my staay, am I fuxqjd? Can I get over it?I feel like I'm a very good coawebtjlcbr, that I'm mavsre and have lided enough life to realize that I've got it prwwty great with this woman. I'm trggng my best with her, but I'm still failing.